If I’m really honest about it . . . the only person really responsible for my inability to forgive & forget, is me. After all, I am the only person that can control my thoughts, actions, and reactions. No matter how much I want to say other people have caused me to feel this way or influenced me to be this way. It is really me, who has allowed other people’s words and actions to influence me to choose not to forgive &/or forget.
You may be wondering why I’m choosing to discuss this topic . It isn’t random. It was actually spurred by a conversation that I had with my sister yesterday. I won’t get into the details but I realized after the conversation that I had actually forgiven a few people and (gasp) even forgotten some of the things they did that made me so angry, upset, and hurt. Actually, forgotten may not be the correct word to use. I do remember the things they did and said but I no longer have the same emotions or reactions to them. I don’t think about them daily. They aren’t part of my life – rather just distant memories. They don’t control any of my actions and no longer influence my decisions.
Somehow things have changed. I’m not exactly sure what it is or when or why it happened. I can’t pinpoint the actual time when I stopped carrying the burden of those experiences. I don’t know when the pain and resentment subsided. I guess it must have happened slowly, gradually unloading over time. It wasn’t until these people came up in my conversations with my sister that I even realized I had let go of these experiences.
I’m very thankful that this happened but also I’m pretty shocked. Like I said before, this is not very characteristic of me. Plus, these things were BIG – I didn’t just have an argument or a disagreement. These were really big things that happened and they led to major changes in my life. The pain I felt was incredibly deep and it has caused several years of heartache. I even went to counseling for a year to try and overcome the feelings, as I was unable to trust anyone and became very introverted and closed-off from the world.
Although, I am not jumping to reconnect with these people, nor am I ready to try and reestablish a relationship with them, I am VERY happy that I am not weighed down by these feelings of pain and resentment. Plus, I don’t have to carry the guilt of not letting go or the burden of all the negative feelings associated with holding a grudge.
So, the big question is how and why did it happen?? I think there are several reasons why this happened. The first is that I have changed. I’m not the same person that I was a few years or even a few months ago. I am free-er (I realize that is not a word but I think you understand the feeling). Through my journey of self-discovery and my choice to live the life I want to live, there have been many other positive “side-effects”. My outlook on life has changed and I try very hard to make a conscious effort to choose to be happy.
Each day, I wake up and think, I want to be happy today. I want to have a good day. I try to think about how my choices and actions can influence my mood and attitude. I try to do things that help me to stay positive and enjoy life. This has helped me tremendously because, for me, a bad mood can easily spiral out-of-control and cause me to become depressed. Then, I have a negative attitude about everything.
In the past, I have let bad things build on each other causing me to carry a lot of harmful feelings and keeping me in a negative state-of-mind. By breaking that cycle, I have created a life that is geared toward positive thinking and positive emotions. I think that has made it easier for me to let go of things. Since I no longer focus on the bad, it is easier to forget how people have hurt me. I have to forgive in order to free myself from the negative feelings associated with resentments and holding a grudge.
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